SleeplesslyDreaming

Thaaaat's right folks. In a strange twist the end of this year is barreling at us at mach 10 and there's nothing we can do to stop it. Shit's been crazy for me, a lot of ups, a lot of downs, with a delicate sprinkling of bullshit in between for flavor. Currently I'm freezing my poor tropical ass off in a northern state visiting the in-laws but it's worth it. It's so beautiful up here and for the first time in my life I've gotten to see the trees change color for fall. This little break was quiet and calm, punctuated heavily by tragedy but is seeming to finish up on a high note. Details to come. Let's recap a bit, shall we?

The year started out like normal, nothing over the top save for some drama among friends, but that's all normal human stuff. I had intended to leave my job at the card store Papyrus but with my bleeding heart and knowing they needed me still, I stayed on for way longer than I had wanted. I loved my boss and couldn't bear to leave her until there was no other choice. By April I had gotten a gym membership and was loving it so much, I felt productive, I felt strong, like I was ready to take on the world, but it wasn't meant to last. In the beginning of June, my right knee dislocated completely and it was stuck for a half hour of pure agony until I was taken to the hospital in my first ambulance ride and the doctor put it into place. The world seemed to halt for a long while. Working retail was almost impossible with the amount of pain I was in, even sitting upright to  draw was too painful so my creative mojo was stunted. I started to feel a bit lost so I dived deep into my own stances in life and philosophy. Introspection and Animal Crossing gave me something to do until I was recovered enough to go back to work and gave me a sense of peace as to where I want to be in my life. But that wasn't the end of this saga.

As my knee recovered something else started acting up, my lower back. I figured it was my scoliosis being an ass during physical therapy but as the pain grew and persisted, my chiropractor had me get an x-ray of my hips and lower back. That's when I discovered exactly how borked my body really is. When any kind of doctor says "Well, you're unique." then you can usually translate it to "I'm sorry, you're fucked." This certainly felt like the case. My scoliosis had gotten worse, an extra vertebra was counted but previously missed by other doctors due to it being half-formed and mostly cartilage, and one of my vertebra was jutted forward, putting pressure on everything else. All of this plus the stress of my job (standing for long periods of time and lifting heavy things) meant that I had developed a type of inflammation in my lower back where my sacrum meets the hips. That was what was causing the pain. 

Prescription pain medicine makes me sick, over the counter medicine did nothing to help this pain, it was affecting how I move, what I could do at home and work, and my mental stability. I stayed at Papyrus for another month but knew I had to move on and find something less taxing. Additionally, with the blessing of legalizing medical marijuana in my state, I had applied and was approved. But the process takes a while to go through so I still wasn't getting relief. Added to it I was getting a lot of side-drama from some of my online friends, and trying to help those in need. My entire life had been characterized by my ability to help others and be a solid rock for them, but as the pain grew, my ability to cope deteriorated. It felt like everything was falling apart and my ability to keep silent about it was breaking. If I couldn't be useful in my job and help my dear friends, then who in the world was I anymore? What was my purpose if all that was being stripped away? Who even were my friends anymore? I faced a mental crisis I didn't know how to handle, and finally one day I broke.

I started posting vent art, scary stuff that I imagine to the outside world and my loving friends, looked like a dangerous little swan song, and they'd be right. I'd considered jumping into traffic a few times during this mental break, I wanted to cut everyone and everything off and just be done. I didn't know where to go or what to do, but the good news is, I soon found out I didn't have to fight alone. I found out that as much as I love and support my friends, they loved and supported me ten times more. People I thought didn't care surprised me, people I thought cared didn't seem to give a shit. But it didn't matter, it was my friends, my husband, my roommate and my mom who pulled me out of that dark place. I left my job, I took some time to gather myself and recover my mental state, and then the search for work began anew. 

I wanna pause this monologue and thank all my friends here for loving me through such a tough time (You know who you are). You guys are genuinely the best and if it wasn't for your strengths and outward affection, I honestly don't know where I'd be right now. Thank you. Thank you so much for saving me from myself. I love all of you and look forward to many more years of happiness with you all.

During this weird period of limbo, adjusting to my new limitations and re-discovering who I am, I fell in love with a little parakeet. To preface this, I don't like birds. I'm not afraid of them, I just don't like them. So for me to look at a bird and my gut instinct is "You need this avian creature you despise in your life", I didn't think, I acted. Her name was Piper, she was a danish pied (Pied Piper I know), and I loved her. I loved teaching her humans weren't scary, I loved feeding her out of my hand. I loved nuzzling her soft little feathers and taking her into showers with me. She gave me something to nurture while I was on my ass and that seemed to be her purpose, why I knew I had to have her.

Things got better, I found an amazing job in reception with people who are loving and kind and appreciate the work I do. I'd never felt so appreciated and cared for in a job in my entire life and I'm extremely happy. Physically I've started to get leaner too, as stress melted away and my eating habits regulated and reduced. I'm still working on the exercise part but I'm not worried, instead I've shifted my focus to my diet. Everything was alright, except for my stupid laptop.

This piece of shit laptop I've hated since I got it, basically. Two years of disappointment, hardware problems, OS implosions, and blue screens of death. It's to the point where that stupid fucking frowning emoji they've added to the blue screen is fucking insulting. I can't draw on it out of fear that it'll crash and I'll lose everything. at 1,000 levels of done, Planet-Spatulon chipped in some cash, I saved up, and on black friday I bought a brand new surface pro 6. I'm so stoked for this thing after playing with it in store and reading reviews. This thing might be a welcome relief, because I can draw directly on it. If that works out then I can lean back and draw while resting my borked lower back!

While up north I was able to meet up with my dear friend OkiRose for the first time and she showed me around her home town. It was a blast! We hit up local artsy shops and a lovely tea house and I ate real ramen for the first time! I was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again one day for sure! However it wasn't all sunshine and roses. Unfortunately while I was with her and at the ramen house, I got an alarming text.

Planet-Spatulon is also my roommate as many of you may know now, and she texted me saying my dear sweet Piper was laying on the bottom of her cage and barely breathing. I gave her the ok to rush her to the vet, hoping the news wasn't bad but...birds are so delicate, it's so easy for them to be irreparably damaged........and that was the case....Piper, it seemed, had either a seizure or contracted PDD, an incurable digestive disorder. Either way it left her paralyzed and her heart rate was slipping. It hurt...it hurt so much but I knew with nothing to be done it was better to let her go. Lexi brought her home, made her warm and comfortable, and stayed with her until she passed away. I wasn't ready for this. I couldn't be. I cried on Oki, I cried in my ramen, I cried to my friends and my husband and on my mother in law, and even now after a few days it's hard not to cry while typing this. That little ball of feathers and adventure stole my heart, and I couldn't be with her at the end, I couldn't hold her and tell her it's okay and that I loved her dearly. 

I don't know, I guess if I was to put a positive spin on it, I could say that she had fulfilled her purpose being with me and it was time to go but I don't find comfort in that still. It's been tough trying to cope with the thought that I have to bury a beloved pet when I get home Monday. I know I'll feel better with closure but that still feels lightyears away.

And...well that's pretty much it. That's this year in summary so far. For those who read this text wall of death, thank you so much for sticking with me, all of you. I love you all so much and I look forward to another interesting year of ups and downs. It's never the destination, but the journey that defines our lives. Keep walking your path, believe in yourself and your abilities, and even if you don't know me personally, know that I love you and wish all of you the best. See you in the next journal!

Aurea Faix